Fixing My Eyes On Him

This morning I woke up with the song, "Fix my eyes" running through my head.  So, I prayed that God would help me to fix my eyes on Him today.  Cue the applause and the encouraging, "Way to go, Mama!" ;). Then, stop.

You know what happened? Less than an hour later, the second born - our sensitive, middle child - woke up...begging for, no, demanding breakfast.  Right as the first born - our "my way or the highway" one - woke up grouchy because it's only Wednesday and "Why do you always make me go to school, Mommy?!?!"  Then, the husband - the usually level-headed but extremely passionate about all the things he loves one - showed me a not so nice message to him from a not so nice person.  Then, the last born - the one who doesn't understand why anything should come before him - started screaming because that is how he wakes up...with a scream...every.single.time.

There was fussing.  There was chaos.  There was a "You're being mean, Mommy" (from the overly sensitive one because I wasn't getting breakfast fast enough). There was a massive hunt for a colored sock, because the only day that we have matching socks in the drawer is the day that it's wacky tacky day at school. There was a moment of chastising my husband only because I was upset that someone was mean to him.  (Have I mentioned that I am the uncontrollable, irrational one in the family?)  There was food all over the floor...ALL over the floor...thanks to a little one-year-old who thinks food is for throwing only these days.  There was rushing.  There was forgotten snack, which meant there were two trips to school.  There was a judgemental attitude when I dropped my daughter off and wondered why someone would ever dress so risqué while taking her children to school. (Yes, I know this was wrong of me.). There was an "Oops!  Sorry I didn't pack your lunch, Honey" as my husband left the house.  There was a whole lot of failing and not any "fixing."

By 8:15 this morning I was prepared to just write off the day as a not so great one and try again tomorrow.

Instead, I prayed and I was reminded of this:

Through the Lord’s mercies we are not consumed,
Because His compassions fail not.
23 They are new every morning;
Great is Your faithfulness. - Lamentations 3:22-23

You know what?  If they're new every morning, that means they're new whenever we ask. Amen?  So, I asked for forgiveness and God's help in remembering that I am not running a sprint...I am running a marathon. (Something my sister reminded me of yesterday in regards to something else).  I can pace myself, I can fall and get back up with confidence, I can run and "not grow weary." Isaiah 40:31.  So can you.  :). Our lives will never be perfect, but by fixing our eyes on Him, we can see how to look past our failure and move towards being more like Him.

Jeremiah 2:25a, “Slow down. Take a deep breath. What’s the hurry? Why wear yourself out? Just what are you after anyway?” (MSG)

The things of Earth are dimming

In the light of Your glory and grace

I'll set my sights upon Heaven

I'm fixing my eyes on you

Read more: For KING & COUNTRY - Fix My Eyes Lyrics | MetroLyrics 

Another Life Lesson from Dirty Laundry

A little voice wakes me up at 4:45 am to tell me, "Mommy, I'm bored.". Even through the grogginess, I smile.  " Bored?" As I delve a little deeper, I find out that he is sick.  A sore throat.  A headache.  A small fever. Nothing that Tylenol and snuggles can't fix.

I listen to his breathing.  Deep breaths in and out.  The kind of breathing that signifies rest.  He now sleeps.  I am wide awake.

In this quietness my mind starts going down my mental to-do list.  What needs to be rearranged so my boy can rest today?  What has to happen today?  I remember the towels that are in the washer.  Towels that must be dried so that showers can happen.

I sneak out of bed and make my way to the laundry room and I see the glow of the computer screen.  He is already working.  My husband , burning the candle at both ends, to provide for our family.

As I throw wet, heavy towels into the drier my thoughts start weighing on my soul.  As I think, my heart begins to feel heavier.  And I realize that much like these towels cannot serve their purpose when they are weighted down by water, I cannot serve mine when I am weighted down by thoughts.

Thoughts that like to invade my mind in the early hours, hoping to stay there for the day. Thoughts that tell me I am failing at motherhood...at being a good wife... at life.  Thoughts that make me wonder how I can accomplish anything good when I can't even accomplish the laundry pile these days.  Thoughts that make me want to put a blanket over my head, and tell someone else to be mommy for the day.

I climb back into bed and I pick up my phone and I stop.  Will scrolling through Facebook help me feel better?  Is reading an article about how to manage my housework better the best use of my time right now?  I am much like my four-year-old...thinking I am bored when really I just need rest.

The rest I need at this moment is not sleep.  It's rest from my thoughts. I am new to  this whole taking "my thoughts captive" thing. It's not engrained in my nature.  But, I am working on it.

So I stop thinking and start thanking.  Thanking God for all the things that make this life good...and the things that make this life hard...and laundry...and fast working dryers.

And just as the towels get lighter each minute they are in that dryer, my mind gets lighter as I fill my head with positive thoughts.

The baby is awake now and it's time to start my day.  As I begin, my breathing slows. I inhale and exhale, deep and steady.  Breathing in His grace.  Resting in Him.



And a verse to encourage us all...

"For My thoughts are not your thoughts, nor are your ways My ways," says the Lord.  For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways, and My thoughts than your thoughts. - Isaiah 55:8-9

Did you know? Do you know?

You have a way at gazing into my eyes as if you're looking into my soul. Sometimes I wonder if you know.

Do you?  Do you know how much I needed you?  Did you know that your entrance into the world would be a sign of how God restores?  How He makes beauty out of ashes?  Did you know that I would hold you in my arms for the first time and suddenly the suffering and pain that came before you would fade away as I kissed your sweet head?

Did you know that when people heard of your arrival that tears of thanksgiving would fall from the very eyes that shed tears of grief for us less than a year before?  Did you know that you would be greeted with smiles of pure joy when eyes beheld you for the first time?

Did you know that God would use you to teach your mama so many lessons your first year of life?  Did you know that I would hold you and cry tears of agony because I was overcome by postpartum depression?  Did you know that you would be one of the reasons I kept going and didn't let myself sink into complete despair?  

Did you know that the four - yes, four - times you woke up each night for your first 10 months of life were designed by God to get me up so that He could speak to me in the silence?  Did you??

Did you know that the smile you gave me while I held you in the ER after dropping you would be like a salve for my broken heart?  Did you know that your fast-paced development would soothe it even more?

 Did you know that I needed to hit the bottom so that I would be forced to look up?  That I would have to learn that there was nothing in life that I could do well without allowing God to lead me?  Did you know that I would have to go into my closet and drop to my face and plead with God to help me? 

Do you know that He answered?  Do you know that I am changed?  Can you see it?  Do you realize that I am not the same person I was a year ago?  Do you know that He is holding my hand and guiding me with every step because I now want and accept His help?  Do you see how He rescued me?  Do you??

Do you know that you are considered a rainbow baby - a term used for a baby that comes after a loss?  Do you know that you are my rainbow baby?  Do you know it's not really because of the loss of your sibling, but because your entire life God has shown me how He keeps His promises through every storm?

Do you know that your name means "mighty warrior?". Do you know that God used you to teach me that I am a warrior because of Him?

Do you know that you are a gift?  Do you know that I would not trade you for anything?  Do you know that I love you more than words could ever adequately express?  Do you??

Do you know that the very things that God has shown me about me is true for you?  Do you know that I pray every day that you come to know Him and love Him with everything you have in you?  Do you know He is a mountain mover?  Do you know you can trust Him with your life?  Do you know you are kept?  Do you???

Sweet Gideon, in less than 48 hours you will be one.  My prayer is that the very same hands that reach out to me will one day reach up to Him.  I pray that you will move as fast towards Him as you do to your daddy.  I pray that your eyes will light up for Him the way they do for your brother.  I pray that you will get the same look of contentment on your face when you pray to Him as you do when you hug your sister.  I pray the mischievous nature you have will one day be used to help people that others cannot.  I pray that our little mighty warrior will grow up to be a mighty warrior for Jesus.

Do you know that I am sure that you will?  Do you??

Do you know that I typed this while you slept in the car?  Do you know that you just woke up and started clapping?  Do you know what song you are clapping to?  "Your love never fails, it never gives up, it never runs out on me..."

Tear filled eyes look up to the blue sky and all I can say is "Thank you, Jesus.". Because you may not have known, but He did.  You do not know what's to come, but He does.  And, sweet boy, His love didn't fail me and it will not fail you.

Just Let Go

He can walk, but he doesn't know he can. I watch him as he observes his older siblings play. He longs to be in the thick of it all. He wants to run and chase after them and grows frustrated with his limitations.

I struggle because you can't explain to an almost 1 year old that his limitation doesn't physically exist.  Instead it's a mental barrier that he has placed upon himself.  He has grown so accustom to hanging on to objects when he walks that as soon as he doesn't have one to hold onto, he quickly sits down.  When he forgets that he isn't hanging onto something, he walks just fine.

How often do we do that?  What has become our objects that we cling to because we are afraid of letting go and falling?  Some of us may just need to take a step of faith to see that we can really do what we think we cannot.  Some of us need to remove the objects that are holding us back from our full potential.  Maybe we just need the reassurance that we are capable.

Can I remind you of something?  If you are serving Christ, you do not need to think twice about allowing ANYTHING to hold you down. He dwells in us.  His love and power works in us
so that we may accomplish everything that He wants us to.

The following verses were written by Paul when he was imprisoned. IMPRISONED.  Quite possibly shackled by very real chains.  If he could pen this while being surrounded by the walls that were preventing him from moving forward, than we can certainly take heart:

Ephesians 3

17 Then Christ will make his home in your hearts as you trust in him. Your roots will grow down into God’s love and keep you strong. 18 And may you have the power to understand, as all God’s people should, how wide, how long, how high, and how deep his love is. 19 May you experience the love of Christ, though it is too great to understand fully. Then you will be made complete with all the fullness of life and power that comes from God.

20 Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think. 

One day soon, my sweet little boy is going to realize his full walking potential.  He will be surrounded by wild cheers of praise by those who love him most in this world and I cannot wait to see the look of pure joy on his face.  There will be no holding him back.  My heart's cry tonight is that you, sweet reader, can let go of what's holding you back from moving forward.  Let's not crawl through this life too scared to charge ahead.  Let's move forward with confidence.  And know, that even though I don't know your situation, I am cheering you on along with the One who loves you the most.

I Long To Be Less

Early this morning, Gideon had a fever. It was not a high fever.  He had a runny nose and had been drooling.  Common sense, coupled with my experience with our two older children, told me that it was either teething or a virus.  We have been down this road before.  No big deal.

I know that there are mamas (whom I admire greatly) that have medically fragile children and have to be diligent in seeking medical attention at the sign of any fever in their child.  Thus far, that has not been our journey.  Yet, I spent over an hour consulting Dr. Google in the wee hours of the morning.

Here's the thing, while I was conducting my "research" I felt convicted the entire time. I knew that I just needed to pray.  I was very aware that if I did just that, I could sleep peacefully.  But, I didn't.  Instead I self diagnosed my sweet baby with everything from a minor virus to meningitis (seriously...over a low grade fever and drooling...pitiful, I know). I am solely responsible for sending myself on an emotional roller coaster at 3:15 in the morning.  All three kids were sleeping the entire time I was awake (which is sort-of a rarity these days) and I spent precious time that I could have been doing the same because of a low-grade fever in my otherwise healthy child.

Sometimes I wonder...what in the world is wrong with me???

Why do I often allow myself to run to something/someone else before running to God? Why do I choose to put myself through agony?  Why do I ignore the Holy Spirit's prompting and do what I want to do anyway?  Why do I still sometimes think I can fix things on my own when this past year has proved just the opposite?  Why, why, why???

As if I don't actually know the answer.  It's because I am full of flesh.  It's because I need to die daily to myself.  It's because as John stated, "He must become greater; I must become less."  Oh, how I long for the time where that's the first thing I pray every single morning.  I want so badly to become less and less so that He can become more and more in my life.  I've started to see what that is really like in the last few months and how beautiful it is when I allow Him to lead.  It's not all peaches and cream...it's tough at times...but it's so worth it.

So, there's hope and the passage below is my reminder.  I pray it encourages you where you're at today as well.  Be blessed! :)

Romans 8

1So now there is no condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus. 2And because you belong to him, the power^a of the life-giving Spirit has freed you^b from the power of sin that leads to death. 3The law of Moses was unable to save us because of the weakness of our sinful nature.^c So God did what the law could not do. He sent his own Son in a body like the bodies we sinners have. And in that body God declared an end to sin’s control over us by giving his Son as a sacrifice for our sins. 4He did this so that the just requirement of the law would be fully satisfied for us, who no longer follow our sinful nature but instead follow the Spirit.

5Those who are dominated by the sinful nature think about sinful things, but those who are controlled by the Holy Spirit think about things that please the Spirit. 6So letting your sinful nature control your mind leads to death. But letting the Spirit control your mind leads to life and peace. 7For the sinful nature is always hostile to God. It never did obey God’s laws, and it never will. 8That’s why those who are still under the control of their sinful nature can never please God.

9But you are not controlled by your sinful nature. You are controlled by the Spirit if you have the Spirit of God living in you. (And remember that those who do not have the Spirit of Christ living in them do not belong to him at all.) 10And Christ lives within you, so even though your body will die because of sin, the Spirit gives you life^dbecause you have been made right with God. 11The Spirit of God, who raised Jesus from the dead, lives in you. And just as God raised Christ Jesus from the dead, he will give life to your mortal bodies by this same Spirit living within you.

12Therefore, dear brothers and sisters,^e you have no obligation to do what your sinful nature urges you to do.13For if you live by its dictates, you will die. But if through the power of the Spirit you put to death the deeds of your sinful nature,^f you will live. 14For all who are led by the Spirit of God are children^g of God.

Sorrow Soothers

You know that saying, "Misery loves company"...I don't buy it.  When I am miserable - or even slightly sad - it just makes me feel worse for others who are hurting.

I am sad tonight.  The reason is a bit trivial.  My sweet girl has to go back to school tomorrow after an amazing ten days off and I am going to miss her so much.  My mama heart feels like it may break as I try to keep from crying.  I just want to stop time...stop my babies from growing too fast.  I know it's a futile wish.  

Some of you are reading this and are probably thinking, " Wow, that's your only sorrow right now?  Oh, to be you.". Here's the thing...I know that there are so many of you with much more valid reasons to grieve tonight.  My heart hurts for you.  It aches for you much more than it does for my little trouble tonight.  I wish I could soothe your pain.  I cannot, but am so thankful that God can.

So, some verses for those like me - who are a wee bit glum - and those who are in agony over extremely painful situations.  I pray that they encourage you like they did me.

Psalm 147:3

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.  (The next verse says he counts all the stars and calls them by name.  If He can do that, He can definitely heal our hearts, amen?)

Joshua 1:9

Be strong and of good courage; do not be afraid, nor be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go. 

Isaiah 26:3

You will keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on You, because he trusts in You. (If only my thick head would always remember this verse BEFORE freaking out...)

Hebrews 10:23

Let us hold fast the confession of Our Hope without wavering, for He who promised is faithful.

Psalm 34:17-18

The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears, and delivers them out of all their troubles. The Lord is near to those who have a broken heart, and saves such as have a contrite spirit.

John 14:27

Peace I leave with you, My peace I give to you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.

There are so many more, but I must end this because the same little girl who I am sad about going to school tomorrow, just got out of her bed...an hour past her bedtime.  ;)

Hugs and prayers for all of you who read this.