Wednesday, June 29, 2016

So, What About Grace?

I blogged last week right before my Birthday about grace.  How I am thankful that I can see grace in all things.  Now, those words scoff at me.  What happens when we can't see grace?  What happens when we can't feel it?  What happens when all we know is that this world is full of nastiness, cruelness, unfairness and people who like to just be mean and miserable?  What then?

Does it change Grace???

I googled the definition.  Grace...(in Christian belief) the free and unmerited favor of God, as manifested in the salvation of sinners and the bestowal of blessings.

Free and unmerited favor of God?

I ponder that definition.  Because right now, this Grace, I'm just not sure it's flowing in my life.

And, I stop writing right here.  I stop writing and start thanking.  Because those words...that sentence..."I'm just now sure it's flowing in my life"...that's not true.

I know grace flows freely...daily...hourly.

It's showered down upon me in the good.  When I cuddle with my kids, kiss my husband, smile at everyone I see. When I feel the sun on my face, hear the birds in the air, feel the wind blowing my hair. I soak it in during the not so good.  When I am crying out to God because I yelled, upset because I fussed, wondering how I can ever be a better person. When I don't feel lovable, or kind, or happy.

And, in this moment, in this rotten, ugly, moment that I have NO control over...yes, in the moment where one minute I'm trusting Him and the next I'm questioning Him...in this very moment, His grace abounds.

And, 8 days after posting this verse, I post it again...because, clearly, I need it.  Maybe you do, too.  Maybe if we were all a little more aware of His Grace, the things of this world would fade and we'd see only His face.  Maybe we'd all learn to love a little more, fight a little less, trust always, doubt never...

But because God was so gracious, so very generous, here I am. And I’m not about to let his grace go to waste." 1 Corinthians 15:10

God, please, let me never let YOUR grace go to waste.


Thursday, June 23, 2016

To Me: Love, God

"I'm not in this.   Not in this ball of anger, bitterness and despair.

You want to spew words of frustration.  You want to write to feel better, but only for a moment.  You want to tell others about this wrongdoing.  

For what?  

For sympathy?  For empathy?  For someone to agree with you?

Will it help?  Will you have peace?  Will you have an inner sense of calm?

You know the answer.  That's why you always run to Me.  Usually much later than you should.  

Can it work different this time?  Can you just let Me help you from the get-go?  Can you react in a manner that glorifies Me?  Can you let me edify you as you read My word? Can you acknowledge that I always help?  That all suffering is momentary?  That how you feel now is not how you will feel always?  Life ebbs and flows, but I remain constant.  Can you focus on that truth?  Focus on me?  

I want your attention.  I long for you to communicate with Me.  Praise Me.  Thank Me.  Talk to Me.  Cry out to Me.  Not to a friend who doesn't know what to say.  Don't try to get your husband to fix this.  Sit still.  Be still.  Listen.

Can you hear me?  Can you feel me?  I am calming your anxious heart right now.  Breathe me in.  Let my peace infiltrate your lungs.  Let my presence soothe your soul. 

I am with you...always.  ALWAYS. Without fail.  I am here.  Run to me first."


Psalm 145:18
The Lord is close to all who call on him,
    yes, to all who call on him in truth.








Tuesday, June 21, 2016

This Is My Happy Place

This is my happy place.

This home that contains some incredible humans.

The toddler who says, "Ummm...good!" every time he approves of a food item.  Who tries to climb all the things.  Who will give quick hugs only...because there is just so much stuff to find to get into.  Who walks around the house just laughing...at everything...at nothing...at life.  Our joyous one...our blessing after the storm.

The 5-year-old who is brave amongst these walls of this happy place, but not so brave outside of them.  The boy who observes...watches...feels with his whole heart.  He knows what makes people smile and he pursues those smiles.  Our little giver...our "surprise" baby who we foolishly thought was entering our family a little too soon.

The 6-year-old who knows how to drive this mama crazy and make me melt into a puddle of love all at the same time.  Who works hard to be "good and kind" because she knows that's what shows the love of Jesus the best.  The one who is dramatic, feisty, tender, tough, sweet and silly all mixed together.  Our firecracker...our miracle baby who proved the doctors had no clue what they were talking about just months before she was conceived.

My husband.  My rock.  The one who has rejoiced with me in the good, cried with me in the bad, prayed for me in the really rotten, and loved me through it all.  He loves Jesus, the Hokies, basketball, NASCAR,  his church, his family, and me.  His passion for life inspires me.  His kind heart softens me.  His love carries me (not like God's love carries me, because, of course, we both know we're NOTHING without Him).

This is my happy place.

There's a reason that statement hangs on my living room wall.

These people.  My people.  They are my happy place.

As I prepare to close the chapter to another year of life, I reflect.  Another year older, but really only another day older.  Another year of life lived well...and, sometimes, not so well.  In this house, we try to focus on the well and just let the rest teach us lessons.

The lessons abounded this year, but grace, God's sweet grace, it abounded more. (Romans 5:20)  

Our kids already are learning about grace.  The older kids ask us to "show them grace" when getting punished.  The littlest one will walk behind this mama singing, "Grays, grays. (Grace, grace)"  And, while none of them have a true grasp on real Grace, they are very aware that it exists.  They'll learn...and it all started here, in our happy place.

So, while the news swirls with stories of despair, grief, tragedy that is unbearable...our home, it swirls with love, joy, and peace.  Not always, but mostly.  

For that, I am thankful.  For the honor of tucking three babies in their beds at night, I am grateful.  For the joy of waking up to my sweet husband in the morning, I am incredibly appreciative.  For entering into another year with my family, in my happy place, I am thrilled.

For the ability to see God's Grace in all things, I am beyond words.

But because God was so gracious, so very generous, here I am. And I’m not about to let his grace go to waste." 1 Corinthians 15:10

Wednesday, June 8, 2016

Thanking God for THIS Milestone

I often write to process my feelings.  This time, I've stared at an empty screen at least half a dozen times, knowing this moment should be shared, but how?  How do I celebrate the milestones that also leaves me feeling so deeply the stings of the slap marks from "time?"  Time...it just goes so fast.  The words...they come much slower.

Then, last night, I read this...

"Our fall is always first a failure to give thanks." - Ann Voskamp

Maybe...maybe the words can't come because I haven't given thanks enough.  Have I been truly appreciative in this journey?  Am I overflowing with gratitude?  Am I remembering that it is "good to give thanks to the Lord?"  (Psalm 92:1)

So, I write with a humble heart.  A heart full of gratitude, because this is all good.  Even when it tastes so bittersweet.  Even when the milestones mean my children are growing a little more independent, not necessarily needing me less, but needing me differently.  Will I ever be able to freely walk a child into a milestone knowing that when we walk out of it, we will all be somewhat changed?  Yet, isn't that what parenting is all about?  While we reflect on the journey from one milestone to another, isn't it good for parents to give thanks for it all?

This school year...wow, this school year was tough.  The letting go was not easy...for me or for sweet girl.  Sometimes she would shed tears before or during drop-off.  Sometimes my tears stayed hidden until she was out of sight, then spilled onto my face as I begged God to ease her mind...and mine.  Every time, He did.

God gave my sweet girl some really good days.  Days that made her squeal with delight when retelling details of things she learned, songs she sang, friends with whom she played. Days where I was shocked at just how kind she could be to others.  Days where I would throw up my hands in praise and thank Him for His goodness.

He allowed her to experience some not so great days.  Days where she could barely get into the car before the tears fell from her eyes.  Days where she just missed her family.  Days where she didn't want to do this learning thing anymore.  Days where I would drop to my knees in prayer, begging God to help her heart.

On the good days, we prayed.  On the bad days, we prayed.  On the ordinary, not all that exciting days, we prayed.  He never left her side.

He gently guided as I pondered (over and over and over and over) pulling her out of school and homeschooling. He helped her make friends as I consistently cried out to Him during her recess time for two solid weeks.  He held her in His hands when I could not hold her in mine.

This morning,  she will march with her classmates into a crowded gymnasium.  Her proud eyes will search the crowd until she finds ours.  I will fail at trying not to cry.  Her Daddy will beam.  The oldest little brother will longingly look at the stage while imagining getting to do the very same thing in one short year.  The littlest brother...hopefully, he will sleep.

There will be singing.  Celebrating a job well done.  Clapping from adoring family members.  Hugs from teachers and friends.  And, just like that, it will be over.  Our little girl, the kindergartner whose hand clung to mine as we walked into school on that hot August day, who excitedly walked into her classroom and looked at me with the sweetest expression of delight, will proudly march out of the very same school as a confident first grader. I will cry some more, look up to the sky and whisper to God, "Thank you, God!  You did it!"  And, He did it so well.

For all of this...ALL of this...Lord, we say thank-you!

Psalm 34:1
I will bless the Lord at all times;
His praise shall continually be in my mouth.