For My Six-Year-Old Girl

Dear Addi,

Tomorrow morning before the sun comes up, I will sneak into your room, snuggle you close and whisper, "Happy Birthday, sweet girl."  When you wake up, I will tell you the story of when you were born, pausing at just the right moment so you can say, "What did you say to me the first time you saw me?" I will stroke your hair and say, "Hi sweet girl.  I am your mommy." You will smile that beautiful smile and hug me tighter and I will think to myself, "Six years later and I still can't believe she is mine."

It's true, sweet girl, I can't believe you are mine.

My favorite pictures of you are the ones where you spontaneously started dancing. Just yesterday, you told me that you don't care who sees you dance because you are happy.  You are happy.  Oh, how I hope that those words describe you for the rest of your life.

Your first six years of life (1/3 of your childhood) have been easy for you, all things considered.  Your dad and I have worked hard to shield you from the "real" world.  We wanted nothing more than for you to take in childhood and all its joys. You have done a great job doing just that.  You love life!

There is no doubt that the next six years will be tougher than the last. Each year brings more of an awareness of the reality of this world. It pains me to know that the innocence you now have will not be as prevalent even at this time next year. Yet, God has given you personality traits that will help you to keep your joy even when there's pain.

God has give you compassion.  This week, you came home in tears because you watched a movie at school about a Venus Flytrap and saw a fly die.  It was the "worst movie ever."   Earlier this year, you searched your toy box looking for the perfect toy to give a friend because she said she didn't have any.  You want to collect books for children who don't have any.  You can't understand why we don't give money to every person we encounter on the street corner.  You convinced me to buy flowers for a stranger because she had a cast on her leg and "something pretty will make her feel better."  You are kind.  I love your heart!

Your daddy always says that you were born confident. He's right.  You exude confidence.  You know you can do whatever you set your mind to do.  You have drive to be the best you can be and you know that it's in you to be unstoppable.  You have been so annoyed that you have not been chosen as a Terrific Kid this school year.  Each month, you will come home and in frustration say, "I'm still not a terrific kid!". I will remind you that you are, indeed, terrific.  Your response is always the same: " I know I am terrific.  I guess I just need to try harder to get the award." There is no doubt in my mind that one day you will get that award.

You are stubborn and strong-willed.  Those aren't bad traits, even if they do drive this mama crazy.  I know that you will not back down on your beliefs.  You will stand firm.  You will fight for what is right.  You already do.  If I punish your brother for something and you think it's an unfair punishment, you will let me know.   You always let me know when you think I am wrong...which is a lot...let's work on that, OK? ;)

You love God and you have faith.  You will pray for everyone and everything.  You will sing worship songs with passion.  You love to read your Bible.  You love to talk about Jesus and ask your daddy 135 questions about Him on any given day.  You enjoy church and fellowship.  It blows your mind to think that there are people in this world who don't love Jesus.

I could go on about your love for learning, your great nurturing ability, how you never meet a stranger, etc.  All traits you possess that will help you along your journey in the next 1/3 of your childhood and throughout life.  You will be amazing in life...you already are.

So as I close this, sweet girl, I ask that you always remember two things:

God loves you.  You are fearfully and wonderfully made by Him. He will never leave you.

Daddy and Mommy love you.  You are our baby girl.  The child that made us parents. You bring an immeasurable amount of joy into our lives every single day.  And, until I breathe my last breath, I will always say, "I still can't believe she's mine."

Happy Sixth Birthday!

With all the love my heart can hold,
Mommy

To the mama scared of public school

Dear Mom who has decided to send her child to public school,

I know that this is one of the hardest decisions of your entire life.  I know that you want to hold your little munchkin a while longer and not have to worry about what educational route you are going to take.  Yet, here you are, getting ready to register your child for kindergarten in a public school.

You've heard the horror stories:  Your child will be exposed to Darwinism, lesbian/gay lifestyles, children who aren't cared for, words they shouldn't know, and a poor educational system.  They will just be a number on a test and a student in a room with a stressed out teacher who doesn't have the time to spend with all of the children in her class.  The stories scare you.  I know because they've scared me.

You've been subjected to the all too familiar look that comes from people who have chosen a different educational route and you feel ashamed.  You wonder if they think that you don't care enough about your child to choose to do without so that they can go to a private school.  Do they think you are lazy because you aren't homeschooling? Are you just not worried about how your child is raised...what about God, what about their self-esteem, what about their love for learning?  How could you choose to allow someone else to teach your child?  These questions keep you up at night as you agonize if you are really making the right decision.

You are constantly feeling like you have to explain yourself.  You start out every school conversation with, "Well, she will be in public school, but we really thought about going a different route..."  

Can I tell you something, sweet mama?  It's OK that you chose public school.  It's OK that you didn't take out a loan to go to a private school.  It's OK that you looked at the needs of your entire family unit and realized that homeschooling is not in your best interest for now...maybe never.  

And your baby?  Your sweet child will be fine.  The same God that dwells in your heart goes with him/her even into the public schools.  

We've been in this Kindergarten year for almost 7 months and here's what I've experienced:

1.   My sweet girl is greatly adored and looked after by a staff of educators who truly care about her well-being.  These teachers - who are definitely over-worked and under-paid - love to see ALL their students learning.  So, they work long hours each school day (and often on the weekends) so that they can make sure that their students have the best resources possible to learn in a variety of ways. My child has never once complained about feeling like the teacher or the Teacher Assistant is ignoring her.

2. Her school is locked and secure during the day.  Do I feel badly that she has a police officer present at her school?  Absolutely not.  They're present at our church.  They live in our neighborhood.  To her, it's just the norm.

3.  We have been exposed to not even a handful of situations that have required intervention.  Each situation was resolved quickly and effectively.  Sweet girl?  No worse for the ware. 

4.  There is prayer in public schools.  You may just not see it. There are teachers all over my daughter's school who love Jesus just as much as I do.  You don't think they pray during the day?  How can they not? My sweet girl knows she can call on Jesus whenever she needs to.  Her Christian foundation started at home and continues to thrive at home and through church.  She knows her Bible stories and it's OK that it's not carried over into all of her education lessons.  At least we are OK with that because God's given us peace.
5.  My daughter did learn a bad word...actually a bad symbol.  We addressed the situation with her and she knows now not to do it.  We handled the situation the same way we had to a few months earlier when both her and our four-year-old came home from church and told us a word that they had learned from a child there.

6.  My little girl has seen a child act out in class due to a disability.  She has talked with us about it and she has learned to be that child's friend.  Nothing has made me prouder than listening to her tell me about how she watches out for him.  I've seen her heart grow since starting school and it has made my heart want to burst with joy.

7.  Educationally, she has learned so much.  Way more than this mama caring for an infant and a four-year-old would have been able to teach her on a daily basis.  She has thrived in this area and I seriously could not ask for more.

8.  She has learned about different traditions (things like Kwanzaa, Hanukkah, etc) and it has not phased her.  She hasn't questioned our religious practices as a result. She is confident in who she is and Whose she is because we have and continue to instill that in her.

9.  She has and continues to have fun.  She has bad days and good days.  There are days she doesn't want to go and days that she is excited about getting there.  There are days she misses her family a lot and days she acts like she can't believe it's already time to be at home again.  She is just like every other child her age.

10.  She knows she is loved.  She probably knows a little too well (if that's even possible) that she is adored.  She is sent to school every morning with a prayer and a huge hug and is greeted after school with a smile and another huge hug.  She is content and because of that, I am, too.  I miss her like crazy every day.  I always want her home with me, but I know that this is a great opportunity for her and it's what works best for our family at this time.  

11.  Just because I'm not her teacher from 8:00 until 2:30 during the week, doesn't mean for a second that I have stopped looking for ways to help her learn and grow.  I'm her mom and that's what I do.  Her dad and I were and continue to be her first teachers.

And those questions? The ones that are currently keeping you up at night?  A lot of them will go away throughout the year.  And, most of those mamas you think are judging you, are not.  They have their fears, too.  Their questions may look different, but they stem from the same reason...we all just want what's best for our children.

So, as I prepare to sign up my oldest son for public school Kindergarten in less than two months, I do so with less trepidation of what's to come.  I still have my mama fears because what mama doesn't?  Yet, I know that we will be OK because, ultimately, God's got this.  

Philippians 4:6-7  “Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”

Letters to the Kids

While their daddy is away, I decided to write some letters to the kids.

Dear Addi,

When you told me that someone at school asked you to be their friend and you agreed because "Why would I ever say 'no' to that question" my heart exploded with joy!  Always be a friend to all people.

Love you so much!
Mommy

Dear Brogan,

I am really sorry about putting a baby gate up at the kitchen. But next time you need water, please don't scale the wall.  I will be happy to get you some more.

Love and Hugs!
Mommy

Dear Gideon,

I know you think its hilarious every.single.time, but if I catch you sticking your hands in the toilet again, I will start potty training you. Considering you can't walk, that will not be fun for either of us.

Love you bunches!
Mommy

Dear Addi,

I know you had a stomach virus last week, and I also know you don't want to go to school tomorrow, but you will never trick me by putting water on your chin and bed and saying you threw up.

Love you Sweet Pea!
Mommy

Dear Brogan,

You are so sweet to want to stay up with me at night.  Your whole "I just love you so much" routine is very cute.  Sometimes, I need a little alone time.  It makes me a nicer Mommy, I promise!

Love you Sweet Boy!
Mommy

Dear Gideon,

Please do not ever stop dancing.  It is the cutest thing ever.  Except for at 2:15 am...and again at 3:00 am...and again at 4:22.  Then, it's not so cute.  Let's keep our dancing to normal hours, k?

Love my happy baby!
Mommy

From Addi and Mommy

Addi got out of bed tonight because she just couldn't sleep.  So we looked at dresses online,  talked about life, and decided to blog. ;)

Me:  What do you want to say, Addi?
Addi:  What does a snowman eat?
Me:  I don't know, what?
Addi:  Snowmen eat snowball soup.
Me:  Interesting.

Me:  What else would you like to say?
Addi:  What does a fox say?
Me: (Laughs)
Addi:  Moo....moo
Me:  That's not what a fox says..
Addi:  Yes, it does.  Just write it.  People will think it's hilarious.

Me:  What is your favorite thing about Daddy?
Addi:  Um...write that I laughed.  That he's the human trash can.

Me:  Who is the president?
Addi:  Um, Barack Obama.
Me:  Good.  Who does Daddy want to be the next president?
Addi:  How about Marco Rubio?
Me:  I think he will like that answer.
Addi:  I know he will.

Me:  What is your favorite thing to do in school?
Addi:  That's a hard one.  That's a really hard one.  Um, eat lunch.
Me:  But what do you like to learn about?
Addi: That is a very hard one.  Long A and Short A

Me:  Do you like being a big sister?
Addi: Yes.
Me:  What's the best part about being a big sister.
Addi:  Brogan and Gideon.
(My mama heart melted!)

Me:  How many more days until you are six?
Addi:  Too many days. (Two weeks from tomorrow actually)

Me:  What do you want to do when you are six that you didn't do when you were five?
Addi:  Well, one thing I didn't do when I was five...hmm, that's a hard one.  I'm thinking.  Ride a NEW bike on the road with a helmet on.

Me:  What kind of person do you want to be when you're six?
Addi:  I want to be like I am right now.
Me:  That's perfect.
Addi:  I know, isn't it?
(LOVE her answer!!)

Me:  Anything else you want to say?
Addi:  I don't really know.
Me:  Ok, is that it?
Addi: Yes.

Addi:  Oh, do you think Daddy is going to like this e-mail?

;)

Getting Past Mommy Guilt

Confession 1: I fed my two older kids lunchables for dinner and the baby had Cheerios.

Confession 2:  Right at the moment I chose to not ask my kids to stop acting crazy for the 50th time in the store today so I could focus on what I needed to buy, someone from church came down the aisle.  She saw their "real"  and not their "best" behavior and a frazzled Mommy.

Confession 3:  I forgot to fix my son's basketball shorts before his game this morning and they almost fell off.  However, he also had his best game today, so maybe it helped?  ;)

Confession 4:  I am typing this while the big kids watch TV and the baby jumps in his jumper because I am just done for the day.

This is what Day 7 of my husband being out of town looks like.   Beating myself up about the above mentioned confessions?  That is what Mommy Guilt looks like.

In my quest to give others and myself more grace, I decided no more unnecessary Mommy Guilt.  So, how do I tackle that issue?

I ask myself these questions:

1.  Do my kids know they are loved?  Have I hugged them, held them, told them that I loved them today?

2.  Are my children genuinely happy and content?

3.  Did I spend quality time with them today? (Please note that the this doesn't mean quantity time...we all have responsibilities that have to be taken care of as well)

4.  Are my children well taken care of?

5.  Have we laughed together today?

6.  Did I apologize for any wrong doing on my part?

If I can answer yes to all of these questions on any given day, then we are doing good.  Today, we are doing good.  So, no more Mommy Guilt (provided we can get through bedtime without incident...ha!)

I encourage you to come up with your own set of questions to tackle your guilt.  Every family is unique and my questions may not work in your situation.

I also pray regularly that God will help me differentiate between what is silly guilt and what is his prodding to change an area of my life.  My general rule of thumb: if it is something that I would tell a friend not to feel guilty over, then I probably shouldn't either.

So as I end this, I smile, because the freedom found in Christ is amazing and because it's almost bedtime for the kids.  Not going to lie, bedtime is very much welcomed today and I will not feel guilty about that. :)

Perseverance

He is working crazy hours out of town all week and decides to make sure to fit in a few workouts.  My husband has perseverance.  Not just with working out.  I see it modeled in his work ethic, the way he disciplines our children, and how he handles me.  Me - the wife who has been less than ideal - especially in the last 10 months when our world was tossed into turmoil because of a serious case of postpartum depression, dropping our 10-week-old, and other "things" that shall remain unnamed. 

Perseverance.

Paul had it, too.  In one of my favorite Bible passages (Philippians 3:12-14) he writes:

12 Not that I have already attained, or am already perfected; but I press on, that I may lay hold of that for which Christ Jesus has also laid hold of me. 13 Brethren, I do not count myself  to have apprehended; but one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead, 14 I press toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus

Paul wrote the above in prison, no less.  That is the true definition of perseverance.

Perseverance.

I want it.  I need it.  Yet, I don't always like it.  A quick Google search defines perseverance as "steadfastness in doing something despite difficulty or delay in achieving success."

See, here's the thing...if perseverance just required digging in my heels when times got tough, I would have no issues.  I can do that.  The problem is perseverance requires patience.  Patience is not always my friend.  It's certainly not my strongest virtue.  Yet, God is REALLY determined to make me practice it...over and over again.

I was recently at my wit's end due to my inability to just snap my fingers and change.  A godly woman reminded me that it's OK for everything to not be perfect.  As she told me, it's OK to "live in a state of grace between success and failure."  That right there is a game changer.

So, I will persevere when my husband is out of town and all three kids come down with a different illness (true story), when I can't "will" myself into not allowing my emotions to get the best of me, when I have to look at my child and apologize for "fussing" over something silly, and when I have to seek forgiveness from my Father for focusing on myself way more than Him.

Perseverance mixed with His grace...that I can do.

Grace for your Shame: The Time I Dropped My Baby

His little 11 pound body shook as he cried and all I could do was thank God.

Moments earlier, I had inadvertently dropped my 10-week-old onto the concrete (and my husband was on the opposite side of the country at the time).  I just knew the miracle child we birthed after a devastating miscarriage was gone.  He wasn't.  A CT scan at the hospital revealed that he was perfectly fine.  His sweet smile reassured me.  My baby boy would live.

Relief flooded my soul, but a tsunami of guilt and shame consumed me. My negligence could have cost my child his life.  His two older siblings - just young children themselves - witnessed the entire horrific episode.  My loquacious 5-year-old daughter told everyone for days, "Mommy dropped Gideon on the concrete."  I would muster up just enough of a grin to make it look like I was OK and say, "Now Mommy knows to always buckle baby brother into his carseat right away."

Inside I felt I was dying a million deaths as thoughts invaded my brain.  "How could have I forgotten?"  "If only I had not unbuckled him to comfort him while we were in the store."  "I should have just strapped him in right away."  "I don't deserve to be a mother."  "I am a terrible person."  These thoughts took regular mommy guilt to a whole new level.

This thought pattern intruded my life for months even while watching my son reach major milestones.  He crawled at 6 months, pulled up at 7 months, and spoke 10 words by the time he was 9 months old.  Clearly he was and is absolutely fine.  Still, my heart mourned.

Until one day, I nailed it to the cross.  Literally.  During a Sunday morning service, our pastor had everyone who wanted to nail what plagued their mind to the cross...to demonstrate that they were giving their burden to God and not taking it back.  Well, I missed that service, so I didn't get to see the beautiful display of so many people letting go of what was holding them back.

A couple weeks later, my husband and a couple from church suggested I create my own cross and nail my guilt of dropping Gideon to it.  So, a few days after the conversation, I did just that.

Two weeks later, I now realize the guilt stopped.  The terror ceased.  The painful memories have disappeared.  In its place, I feel love, not shame.  I feel joy, not confusion.  I feel security, not frailty.

What changed?

I realized it was time to forgive myself.  Every day is not perfect.  The thoughts still like to creep into my head at the most inopportune time, but I have found that repeating these sweet verses switches my thinking...

"Let us draw near to God with a sincere heart and with the full assurance that faith brings, having our hearts sprinkled to cleanse us from a guilty conscience..." Hebrews 10:22

"Cast ALL your anxiety on Him because He cares for you."  1 Peter 5:7

"There is therefore now NO condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus."  Romans 8:1

"...Anyone who believes in Him will never be put to shame."  Romans 10:11

"Those who look to Him are radiant; their faces are never covered with shame."  Psalm 34:5

That last verse is becoming my newest life verse...to think that when I look at Him I am radiant.  Dictionary.com defines radiant as:

.

emitting rays of light; shining; bright:

the radiant sun; radiant colors.

2.

bright with joy, hope, etc.:

So, when I look at him I am emitting rays of light...I am shining brightly WITH joy and hope...my face cannot be covered with shame.

Praise Jesus, right?!

So for those who have struggled with guilt or shame from the past...please know that there is hope.  He is waiting with arms wide open.  Nail that burden to the cross and look to Him.

And for those of you who are completely shocked that I dropped my son and admitted it in public...I had an ER doctor and our pediatrician assure me that it happens a lot. Both of them dropped their own small babies.