Letters to the Kids

While their daddy is away, I decided to write some letters to the kids.

Dear Addi,

When you told me that someone at school asked you to be their friend and you agreed because "Why would I ever say 'no' to that question" my heart exploded with joy!  Always be a friend to all people.

Love you so much!
Mommy

Dear Brogan,

I am really sorry about putting a baby gate up at the kitchen. But next time you need water, please don't scale the wall.  I will be happy to get you some more.

Love and Hugs!
Mommy

Dear Gideon,

I know you think its hilarious every.single.time, but if I catch you sticking your hands in the toilet again, I will start potty training you. Considering you can't walk, that will not be fun for either of us.

Love you bunches!
Mommy

Dear Addi,

I know you had a stomach virus last week, and I also know you don't want to go to school tomorrow, but you will never trick me by putting water on your chin and bed and saying you threw up.

Love you Sweet Pea!
Mommy

Dear Brogan,

You are so sweet to want to stay up with me at night.  Your whole "I just love you so much" routine is very cute.  Sometimes, I need a little alone time.  It makes me a nicer Mommy, I promise!

Love you Sweet Boy!
Mommy

Dear Gideon,

Please do not ever stop dancing.  It is the cutest thing ever.  Except for at 2:15 am...and again at 3:00 am...and again at 4:22.  Then, it's not so cute.  Let's keep our dancing to normal hours, k?

Love my happy baby!
Mommy

From Addi and Mommy

Addi got out of bed tonight because she just couldn't sleep.  So we looked at dresses online,  talked about life, and decided to blog. ;)

Me:  What do you want to say, Addi?
Addi:  What does a snowman eat?
Me:  I don't know, what?
Addi:  Snowmen eat snowball soup.
Me:  Interesting.

Me:  What else would you like to say?
Addi:  What does a fox say?
Me: (Laughs)
Addi:  Moo....moo
Me:  That's not what a fox says..
Addi:  Yes, it does.  Just write it.  People will think it's hilarious.

Me:  What is your favorite thing about Daddy?
Addi:  Um...write that I laughed.  That he's the human trash can.

Me:  Who is the president?
Addi:  Um, Barack Obama.
Me:  Good.  Who does Daddy want to be the next president?
Addi:  How about Marco Rubio?
Me:  I think he will like that answer.
Addi:  I know he will.

Me:  What is your favorite thing to do in school?
Addi:  That's a hard one.  That's a really hard one.  Um, eat lunch.
Me:  But what do you like to learn about?
Addi: That is a very hard one.  Long A and Short A

Me:  Do you like being a big sister?
Addi: Yes.
Me:  What's the best part about being a big sister.
Addi:  Brogan and Gideon.
(My mama heart melted!)

Me:  How many more days until you are six?
Addi:  Too many days. (Two weeks from tomorrow actually)

Me:  What do you want to do when you are six that you didn't do when you were five?
Addi:  Well, one thing I didn't do when I was five...hmm, that's a hard one.  I'm thinking.  Ride a NEW bike on the road with a helmet on.

Me:  What kind of person do you want to be when you're six?
Addi:  I want to be like I am right now.
Me:  That's perfect.
Addi:  I know, isn't it?
(LOVE her answer!!)

Me:  Anything else you want to say?
Addi:  I don't really know.
Me:  Ok, is that it?
Addi: Yes.

Addi:  Oh, do you think Daddy is going to like this e-mail?

;)

Getting Past Mommy Guilt

Confession 1: I fed my two older kids lunchables for dinner and the baby had Cheerios.

Confession 2:  Right at the moment I chose to not ask my kids to stop acting crazy for the 50th time in the store today so I could focus on what I needed to buy, someone from church came down the aisle.  She saw their "real"  and not their "best" behavior and a frazzled Mommy.

Confession 3:  I forgot to fix my son's basketball shorts before his game this morning and they almost fell off.  However, he also had his best game today, so maybe it helped?  ;)

Confession 4:  I am typing this while the big kids watch TV and the baby jumps in his jumper because I am just done for the day.

This is what Day 7 of my husband being out of town looks like.   Beating myself up about the above mentioned confessions?  That is what Mommy Guilt looks like.

In my quest to give others and myself more grace, I decided no more unnecessary Mommy Guilt.  So, how do I tackle that issue?

I ask myself these questions:

1.  Do my kids know they are loved?  Have I hugged them, held them, told them that I loved them today?

2.  Are my children genuinely happy and content?

3.  Did I spend quality time with them today? (Please note that the this doesn't mean quantity time...we all have responsibilities that have to be taken care of as well)

4.  Are my children well taken care of?

5.  Have we laughed together today?

6.  Did I apologize for any wrong doing on my part?

If I can answer yes to all of these questions on any given day, then we are doing good.  Today, we are doing good.  So, no more Mommy Guilt (provided we can get through bedtime without incident...ha!)

I encourage you to come up with your own set of questions to tackle your guilt.  Every family is unique and my questions may not work in your situation.

I also pray regularly that God will help me differentiate between what is silly guilt and what is his prodding to change an area of my life.  My general rule of thumb: if it is something that I would tell a friend not to feel guilty over, then I probably shouldn't either.

So as I end this, I smile, because the freedom found in Christ is amazing and because it's almost bedtime for the kids.  Not going to lie, bedtime is very much welcomed today and I will not feel guilty about that. :)

Perseverance

He is working crazy hours out of town all week and decides to make sure to fit in a few workouts.  My husband has perseverance.  Not just with working out.  I see it modeled in his work ethic, the way he disciplines our children, and how he handles me.  Me - the wife who has been less than ideal - especially in the last 10 months when our world was tossed into turmoil because of a serious case of postpartum depression, dropping our 10-week-old, and other "things" that shall remain unnamed. 

Perseverance.

Paul had it, too.  In one of my favorite Bible passages (Philippians 3:12-14) he writes:

12 Not that I have already attained, or am already perfected; but I press on, that I may lay hold of that for which Christ Jesus has also laid hold of me. 13 Brethren, I do not count myself  to have apprehended; but one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead, 14 I press toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus

Paul wrote the above in prison, no less.  That is the true definition of perseverance.

Perseverance.

I want it.  I need it.  Yet, I don't always like it.  A quick Google search defines perseverance as "steadfastness in doing something despite difficulty or delay in achieving success."

See, here's the thing...if perseverance just required digging in my heels when times got tough, I would have no issues.  I can do that.  The problem is perseverance requires patience.  Patience is not always my friend.  It's certainly not my strongest virtue.  Yet, God is REALLY determined to make me practice it...over and over again.

I was recently at my wit's end due to my inability to just snap my fingers and change.  A godly woman reminded me that it's OK for everything to not be perfect.  As she told me, it's OK to "live in a state of grace between success and failure."  That right there is a game changer.

So, I will persevere when my husband is out of town and all three kids come down with a different illness (true story), when I can't "will" myself into not allowing my emotions to get the best of me, when I have to look at my child and apologize for "fussing" over something silly, and when I have to seek forgiveness from my Father for focusing on myself way more than Him.

Perseverance mixed with His grace...that I can do.

Grace for your Shame: The Time I Dropped My Baby

His little 11 pound body shook as he cried and all I could do was thank God.

Moments earlier, I had inadvertently dropped my 10-week-old onto the concrete (and my husband was on the opposite side of the country at the time).  I just knew the miracle child we birthed after a devastating miscarriage was gone.  He wasn't.  A CT scan at the hospital revealed that he was perfectly fine.  His sweet smile reassured me.  My baby boy would live.

Relief flooded my soul, but a tsunami of guilt and shame consumed me. My negligence could have cost my child his life.  His two older siblings - just young children themselves - witnessed the entire horrific episode.  My loquacious 5-year-old daughter told everyone for days, "Mommy dropped Gideon on the concrete."  I would muster up just enough of a grin to make it look like I was OK and say, "Now Mommy knows to always buckle baby brother into his carseat right away."

Inside I felt I was dying a million deaths as thoughts invaded my brain.  "How could have I forgotten?"  "If only I had not unbuckled him to comfort him while we were in the store."  "I should have just strapped him in right away."  "I don't deserve to be a mother."  "I am a terrible person."  These thoughts took regular mommy guilt to a whole new level.

This thought pattern intruded my life for months even while watching my son reach major milestones.  He crawled at 6 months, pulled up at 7 months, and spoke 10 words by the time he was 9 months old.  Clearly he was and is absolutely fine.  Still, my heart mourned.

Until one day, I nailed it to the cross.  Literally.  During a Sunday morning service, our pastor had everyone who wanted to nail what plagued their mind to the cross...to demonstrate that they were giving their burden to God and not taking it back.  Well, I missed that service, so I didn't get to see the beautiful display of so many people letting go of what was holding them back.

A couple weeks later, my husband and a couple from church suggested I create my own cross and nail my guilt of dropping Gideon to it.  So, a few days after the conversation, I did just that.

Two weeks later, I now realize the guilt stopped.  The terror ceased.  The painful memories have disappeared.  In its place, I feel love, not shame.  I feel joy, not confusion.  I feel security, not frailty.

What changed?

I realized it was time to forgive myself.  Every day is not perfect.  The thoughts still like to creep into my head at the most inopportune time, but I have found that repeating these sweet verses switches my thinking...

"Let us draw near to God with a sincere heart and with the full assurance that faith brings, having our hearts sprinkled to cleanse us from a guilty conscience..." Hebrews 10:22

"Cast ALL your anxiety on Him because He cares for you."  1 Peter 5:7

"There is therefore now NO condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus."  Romans 8:1

"...Anyone who believes in Him will never be put to shame."  Romans 10:11

"Those who look to Him are radiant; their faces are never covered with shame."  Psalm 34:5

That last verse is becoming my newest life verse...to think that when I look at Him I am radiant.  Dictionary.com defines radiant as:

.

emitting rays of light; shining; bright:

the radiant sun; radiant colors.

2.

bright with joy, hope, etc.:

So, when I look at him I am emitting rays of light...I am shining brightly WITH joy and hope...my face cannot be covered with shame.

Praise Jesus, right?!

So for those who have struggled with guilt or shame from the past...please know that there is hope.  He is waiting with arms wide open.  Nail that burden to the cross and look to Him.

And for those of you who are completely shocked that I dropped my son and admitted it in public...I had an ER doctor and our pediatrician assure me that it happens a lot. Both of them dropped their own small babies.