His little 11 pound body shook as he cried and all I could do was thank God.
Moments earlier, I had inadvertently dropped my 10-week-old onto the concrete (and my husband was on the opposite side of the country at the time). I just knew the miracle child we birthed after a devastating miscarriage was gone. He wasn't. A CT scan at the hospital revealed that he was perfectly fine. His sweet smile reassured me. My baby boy would live.
Relief flooded my soul, but a tsunami of guilt and shame consumed me. My negligence could have cost my child his life. His two older siblings - just young children themselves - witnessed the entire horrific episode. My loquacious 5-year-old daughter told everyone for days, "Mommy dropped Gideon on the concrete." I would muster up just enough of a grin to make it look like I was OK and say, "Now Mommy knows to always buckle baby brother into his carseat right away."
Inside I felt I was dying a million deaths as thoughts invaded my brain. "How could have I forgotten?" "If only I had not unbuckled him to comfort him while we were in the store." "I should have just strapped him in right away." "I don't deserve to be a mother." "I am a terrible person." These thoughts took regular mommy guilt to a whole new level.
This thought pattern intruded my life for months even while watching my son reach major milestones. He crawled at 6 months, pulled up at 7 months, and spoke 10 words by the time he was 9 months old. Clearly he was and is absolutely fine. Still, my heart mourned.
Until one day, I nailed it to the cross. Literally. During a Sunday morning service, our pastor had everyone who wanted to nail what plagued their mind to the cross...to demonstrate that they were giving their burden to God and not taking it back. Well, I missed that service, so I didn't get to see the beautiful display of so many people letting go of what was holding them back.
A couple weeks later, my husband and a couple from church suggested I create my own cross and nail my guilt of dropping Gideon to it. So, a few days after the conversation, I did just that.
Two weeks later, I now realize the guilt stopped. The terror ceased. The painful memories have disappeared. In its place, I feel love, not shame. I feel joy, not confusion. I feel security, not frailty.
What changed?
I realized it was time to forgive myself. Every day is not perfect. The thoughts still like to creep into my head at the most inopportune time, but I have found that repeating these sweet verses switches my thinking...
"Let us draw near to God with a sincere heart and with the full assurance that faith brings, having our hearts sprinkled to cleanse us from a guilty conscience..." Hebrews 10:22
"Cast ALL your anxiety on Him because He cares for you." 1 Peter 5:7
"There is therefore now NO condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus." Romans 8:1
"...Anyone who believes in Him will never be put to shame." Romans 10:11
"Those who look to Him are radiant; their faces are never covered with shame." Psalm 34:5
That last verse is becoming my newest life verse...to think that when I look at Him I am radiant. Dictionary.com defines radiant as:
So, when I look at him I am emitting rays of light...I am shining brightly WITH joy and hope...my face cannot be covered with shame.
Praise Jesus, right?!
So for those who have struggled with guilt or shame from the past...please know that there is hope. He is waiting with arms wide open. Nail that burden to the cross and look to Him.
And for those of you who are completely shocked that I dropped my son and admitted it in public...I had an ER doctor and our pediatrician assure me that it happens a lot. Both of them dropped their own small babies.
Moments earlier, I had inadvertently dropped my 10-week-old onto the concrete (and my husband was on the opposite side of the country at the time). I just knew the miracle child we birthed after a devastating miscarriage was gone. He wasn't. A CT scan at the hospital revealed that he was perfectly fine. His sweet smile reassured me. My baby boy would live.
Relief flooded my soul, but a tsunami of guilt and shame consumed me. My negligence could have cost my child his life. His two older siblings - just young children themselves - witnessed the entire horrific episode. My loquacious 5-year-old daughter told everyone for days, "Mommy dropped Gideon on the concrete." I would muster up just enough of a grin to make it look like I was OK and say, "Now Mommy knows to always buckle baby brother into his carseat right away."
Inside I felt I was dying a million deaths as thoughts invaded my brain. "How could have I forgotten?" "If only I had not unbuckled him to comfort him while we were in the store." "I should have just strapped him in right away." "I don't deserve to be a mother." "I am a terrible person." These thoughts took regular mommy guilt to a whole new level.
This thought pattern intruded my life for months even while watching my son reach major milestones. He crawled at 6 months, pulled up at 7 months, and spoke 10 words by the time he was 9 months old. Clearly he was and is absolutely fine. Still, my heart mourned.
Until one day, I nailed it to the cross. Literally. During a Sunday morning service, our pastor had everyone who wanted to nail what plagued their mind to the cross...to demonstrate that they were giving their burden to God and not taking it back. Well, I missed that service, so I didn't get to see the beautiful display of so many people letting go of what was holding them back.
A couple weeks later, my husband and a couple from church suggested I create my own cross and nail my guilt of dropping Gideon to it. So, a few days after the conversation, I did just that.
Two weeks later, I now realize the guilt stopped. The terror ceased. The painful memories have disappeared. In its place, I feel love, not shame. I feel joy, not confusion. I feel security, not frailty.
What changed?
I realized it was time to forgive myself. Every day is not perfect. The thoughts still like to creep into my head at the most inopportune time, but I have found that repeating these sweet verses switches my thinking...
"Let us draw near to God with a sincere heart and with the full assurance that faith brings, having our hearts sprinkled to cleanse us from a guilty conscience..." Hebrews 10:22
"Cast ALL your anxiety on Him because He cares for you." 1 Peter 5:7
"There is therefore now NO condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus." Romans 8:1
"...Anyone who believes in Him will never be put to shame." Romans 10:11
"Those who look to Him are radiant; their faces are never covered with shame." Psalm 34:5
That last verse is becoming my newest life verse...to think that when I look at Him I am radiant. Dictionary.com defines radiant as:
.
emitting rays of light; shining; bright:
the radiant sun; radiant colors.
2.
bright with joy, hope, etc.:So, when I look at him I am emitting rays of light...I am shining brightly WITH joy and hope...my face cannot be covered with shame.
Praise Jesus, right?!
So for those who have struggled with guilt or shame from the past...please know that there is hope. He is waiting with arms wide open. Nail that burden to the cross and look to Him.
And for those of you who are completely shocked that I dropped my son and admitted it in public...I had an ER doctor and our pediatrician assure me that it happens a lot. Both of them dropped their own small babies.
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