I Long To Be Less

Early this morning, Gideon had a fever. It was not a high fever.  He had a runny nose and had been drooling.  Common sense, coupled with my experience with our two older children, told me that it was either teething or a virus.  We have been down this road before.  No big deal.

I know that there are mamas (whom I admire greatly) that have medically fragile children and have to be diligent in seeking medical attention at the sign of any fever in their child.  Thus far, that has not been our journey.  Yet, I spent over an hour consulting Dr. Google in the wee hours of the morning.

Here's the thing, while I was conducting my "research" I felt convicted the entire time. I knew that I just needed to pray.  I was very aware that if I did just that, I could sleep peacefully.  But, I didn't.  Instead I self diagnosed my sweet baby with everything from a minor virus to meningitis (seriously...over a low grade fever and drooling...pitiful, I know). I am solely responsible for sending myself on an emotional roller coaster at 3:15 in the morning.  All three kids were sleeping the entire time I was awake (which is sort-of a rarity these days) and I spent precious time that I could have been doing the same because of a low-grade fever in my otherwise healthy child.

Sometimes I wonder...what in the world is wrong with me???

Why do I often allow myself to run to something/someone else before running to God? Why do I choose to put myself through agony?  Why do I ignore the Holy Spirit's prompting and do what I want to do anyway?  Why do I still sometimes think I can fix things on my own when this past year has proved just the opposite?  Why, why, why???

As if I don't actually know the answer.  It's because I am full of flesh.  It's because I need to die daily to myself.  It's because as John stated, "He must become greater; I must become less."  Oh, how I long for the time where that's the first thing I pray every single morning.  I want so badly to become less and less so that He can become more and more in my life.  I've started to see what that is really like in the last few months and how beautiful it is when I allow Him to lead.  It's not all peaches and cream...it's tough at times...but it's so worth it.

So, there's hope and the passage below is my reminder.  I pray it encourages you where you're at today as well.  Be blessed! :)

Romans 8

1So now there is no condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus. 2And because you belong to him, the power^a of the life-giving Spirit has freed you^b from the power of sin that leads to death. 3The law of Moses was unable to save us because of the weakness of our sinful nature.^c So God did what the law could not do. He sent his own Son in a body like the bodies we sinners have. And in that body God declared an end to sin’s control over us by giving his Son as a sacrifice for our sins. 4He did this so that the just requirement of the law would be fully satisfied for us, who no longer follow our sinful nature but instead follow the Spirit.

5Those who are dominated by the sinful nature think about sinful things, but those who are controlled by the Holy Spirit think about things that please the Spirit. 6So letting your sinful nature control your mind leads to death. But letting the Spirit control your mind leads to life and peace. 7For the sinful nature is always hostile to God. It never did obey God’s laws, and it never will. 8That’s why those who are still under the control of their sinful nature can never please God.

9But you are not controlled by your sinful nature. You are controlled by the Spirit if you have the Spirit of God living in you. (And remember that those who do not have the Spirit of Christ living in them do not belong to him at all.) 10And Christ lives within you, so even though your body will die because of sin, the Spirit gives you life^dbecause you have been made right with God. 11The Spirit of God, who raised Jesus from the dead, lives in you. And just as God raised Christ Jesus from the dead, he will give life to your mortal bodies by this same Spirit living within you.

12Therefore, dear brothers and sisters,^e you have no obligation to do what your sinful nature urges you to do.13For if you live by its dictates, you will die. But if through the power of the Spirit you put to death the deeds of your sinful nature,^f you will live. 14For all who are led by the Spirit of God are children^g of God.

Sorrow Soothers

You know that saying, "Misery loves company"...I don't buy it.  When I am miserable - or even slightly sad - it just makes me feel worse for others who are hurting.

I am sad tonight.  The reason is a bit trivial.  My sweet girl has to go back to school tomorrow after an amazing ten days off and I am going to miss her so much.  My mama heart feels like it may break as I try to keep from crying.  I just want to stop time...stop my babies from growing too fast.  I know it's a futile wish.  

Some of you are reading this and are probably thinking, " Wow, that's your only sorrow right now?  Oh, to be you.". Here's the thing...I know that there are so many of you with much more valid reasons to grieve tonight.  My heart hurts for you.  It aches for you much more than it does for my little trouble tonight.  I wish I could soothe your pain.  I cannot, but am so thankful that God can.

So, some verses for those like me - who are a wee bit glum - and those who are in agony over extremely painful situations.  I pray that they encourage you like they did me.

Psalm 147:3

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.  (The next verse says he counts all the stars and calls them by name.  If He can do that, He can definitely heal our hearts, amen?)

Joshua 1:9

Be strong and of good courage; do not be afraid, nor be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go. 

Isaiah 26:3

You will keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on You, because he trusts in You. (If only my thick head would always remember this verse BEFORE freaking out...)

Hebrews 10:23

Let us hold fast the confession of Our Hope without wavering, for He who promised is faithful.

Psalm 34:17-18

The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears, and delivers them out of all their troubles. The Lord is near to those who have a broken heart, and saves such as have a contrite spirit.

John 14:27

Peace I leave with you, My peace I give to you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.

There are so many more, but I must end this because the same little girl who I am sad about going to school tomorrow, just got out of her bed...an hour past her bedtime.  ;)

Hugs and prayers for all of you who read this.  

When A Bird Chirps

At 5:30 this morning I heard it.  A sweet bird chirping a "Good Morning."  I thought about how thankful I was to hear something so beautiful.

I listened to my husband breathing while he slept soundly.  I smiled as I thought about how I am not going to have to miss that sound this weekend because, thanks to his new job, he will be home and not at a race.

I thought about last night as I witnessed hundreds of people all "in one accord" praising our Savior.  People praying for each other.  People crying tears of gratefulness.  People singing His praises.

I thought about my children (all of whom were sleeping soundly... Praise Jesus! ). Sweet Addi who expressed concern just last night about world hunger and wants to grow up and "give food to all the people.". Brave Brogan who has valiantly faced his fears in social situations and walked into his class at church last night with just a hug from me...not crying any tears even though his regular teacher wasn't there.  Joyful Gideon who we refer to as our " old soul."  He just seems to know who needs extra snuggles/attention from him and gravitates towards them.

I thought about this past year and tears filled my eyes.  The journey God allowed me to go through since Gideon was born, drew me closer to Him.  Difficult?  Yes.  Worth it?  Absolutely.

I thought about how the little moments really are the big moments.  How the "I love you's" from my babies abound much more than the frustrations that come from raising littles.  How my husband adores me (even though I seem to have a serious phobia of laundry these days) and proves it over and over again on a daily basis.  How God has placed the perfect family and friends in my life to do life with.  How we are in the perfect church for us...not a perfect church, but a God-fearing one.

I thought about His grace.  His protection.  His mercy.  How he can use a simple bird to woo me into glorifying Him.  How the song says, "His eye is on the sparrow and I know He watches me."

At 5:30 this morning I heard it.  His sweet voice speaking softly to me.

How is He choosing to speak to you today? Listen closely and be amazed.

Edit:  And because He's a good God...a few hours after writing this, we discovered a bird sitting on a nest in one of our trees.  When she flew away, we snuck a picture.  New life is on its way...for the mama bird.  And, for me.  Just not by receiving a baby.  God kept me this year and protected me so His perfect plan could be hatched/birthed into my life.

Be Still

The news today is horrifying.  Everything I read is just sad.  It breaks my heart.  It's scary, too.  I have to wonder what this world will be like in just a few months.  What will this nation be like?

I am also currently dealing with a child who is angry and sad about a punishment.  I am sad, too.  The punishment - though necessary - is not fun for either of us.  Our hope is that this will help in this child's growth.  I guess time will tell.  Right now though, the idea of parenting our children to adulthood is a bit daunting.

With all this sadness, all this angst, all this terror, what's a girl to do?  Well, God says,

“Be still, and know that I am God"  Psalm 46:10

The suggestion is simple. The follow-through, not so much.

It's just in my nature to want to fix things...and control things.  It's taken me more years than I care to admit to acknowledge that I have control issues.  MAJOR control issues at time.  So when the world is spinning into chaos, when terrorism prevails, when our nation is demising, when children are angry, how can I just BE STILL?

The answer lies in the verses before:

Psalm 46

1God is our refuge and strength,

an ever-present help in trouble.

2Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way

and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,

3though its waters roar and foam

and the mountains quake with their surging.^c

4There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God,

the holy place where the Most High dwells.

5God is within her, she will not fall;

God will help her at break of day.

6Nations are in uproar, kingdoms fall;

he lifts his voice, the earth melts.

7The Lord Almighty is with us;

the God of Jacob is our fortress.

8Come and see what the Lord has done,

the desolations he has brought on the earth.

9He makes wars cease

to the ends of the earth.

He breaks the bow and shatters the spear;

he burns the shields^d with fire.

It is after these descriptions (that He is our refuge, or strength, our ever-present help, and always with us) that God then tells us to, "Be STILL and KNOW that I am God."

A quick google search of the definition of "still" made me find this...to be still can mean "rooted to the spot."  I love that.  A synonym for "know" is to "be conscious."

So if I look at that verse again with those definitions in mind, it may look something like this:

Be still - rooted in Me and My promises - and know that I am God - be conscious and aware of My goodness.

So, today I will rest IN Him.  I will trust IN Him.  I will remember that the God who calms the storm is the same God that dwells in me.  I will remember that He alone is my strength.  I will be thankful.  I won't just be thankful, I will make a conscious effort to thank Him.

Please know I am not saying that God wants me, or any of us, to just focus solely on resting and not help others.  Stillness can reside in our souls even when we are on the trenches.  But, today, I will not try to fix things without first quieting my thoughts and turning to Him.  I will ask Him how He wants me to proceed in all situations.

I will shut my mouth and listen to Him.  I will turn off the news and turn up the praise.  I will be STILL.  And, I will take a nap.

Ok, with three littles (two of whom never nap and a baby who barely naps for more than a few minutes at a time) that last sentence is just wishful thinking.  ;)  And, the perfect opportunity to include this photo of my little guy - because some days, you just can't even make it through breakfast before needing to just be still. :)

Show the Love of Jesus

Yesterday morning on our very short ride to school, sweet Addi said, "Mommy, you don't have to worry about me pinching anyone who isn't wearing green today.  I know that will not show the love of Jesus."

Oh, how my girl's words ring with such truth.

This country is in such a tumultuous state.  It sickens me to watch the news.  The hate that is being spewed by others is just disgusting.  The saddest part is that it is coming from all sides.  No one group is safe from the hate and no one group is completely innocent in spreading hate.

Why can't people understand what my six-year-old understands?  Why is it so difficult to grasp that we are not showing the love of Jesus when we intentionally hurt others?

There are people who could so benefit from the church, but they refuse to step foot into one because they feel that Christians are hypocrites.  And a lot of Christians are. Admittedly, I've been there.  Judging one sin as worse than another.  "Well, I had a bad thought about this person, but it's OK because they belong to this group of people who believe it's OK to..."  That thought...that judgmental action just made me break a commandment that I KNOW is wrong.  Is that any better than the person who is breaking a commandment but isn't a Christian?  I would venture to say that if there was a scale for which sin is worse, mine might tip it.

I keep mulling over a conversation I recently had with someone who is terrified at the thought of Christian friends finding out a secret.  The situation is sad, but the fear she has completely breaks my heart. Shouldn't we be the ones that this person runs to?  Shouldn't we embrace this person and love them and promise to join with them in prayer over what is breaking her heart?  Shouldn't we look into her eyes and tell her with all sincerity that there is no judgement here, just care?  If we aren't doing that as the church, than who is?  If we can't be a light for those living in the light, how can we be a light to those in the dark?

So this morning, as we prepare to head into the last few days before Easter, let's challenge each other to show the love of Jesus.  Smile at a stranger.  Purchase someones meal.  Give an extra few dollars to the irritable waitress whose story you don't know.  Embrace the hurting.  Look people in the eyes.  Hug a friend.  Call someone you've "been meaning to call."  Be friends with those who believe differently than you.  Be friends with those who believe the same as you.  Love unconditionally.

1 Corinthians 13

1If I could speak all the languages of earth and of angels, but didn’t love others, I would only be a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. 2If I had the gift of prophecy, and if I understood all of God’s secret plans and possessed all knowledge, and if I had such faith that I could move mountains, but didn’t love others, I would be nothing. 3If I gave everything I have to the poor and even sacrificed my body, I could boast about it;^a but if I didn’t love others, I would have gained nothing.

Fervent Prayer

Can I just tell you something?  Fervent prayer works.

Want to know why?  Because it's Biblical.

James 5:16 - NLT
...The earnest prayer of a righteous person has great power and produces wonderful results.

I am not at liberty to discuss exactly what I have been praying about for quite some time.  Ok, actually, I guess I am at liberty considering it's about me, but maybe I just don't feel that it's necessary to share.  Either way, let's just say this...

A life-changing prayer has been answered.  I give God ALL the glory.  Do you know when God decided to allow the results to be seen?  When I stopped the half-hearted, "Please help me to blah, blah, blah..." and became impassioned about praying for this particular matter.

Our pastor has been preaching a lot about this topic recently and I so wish that I could encourage you as eloquently as he does.  I can't.  So let me just tell you this, if you are fervently praying for an answer, He will respond.  During the wait, just thank Him that He has already worked it out for His glory.  So don't give up even when you feel like all is lost.  It's not.  He's got this and He's got you.

Kurt Carr – Something Happens Lyrics

CHORUS
Jesus
Something special
Supernatural
About your name
Jesus
Something happens
When I mention your name

Demons have to flee when I say Jesus (Jesus)
Sickness has to heal when I say Jesus (Jesus)
Every knee shall bow before
And every tongue proclaim
With worthy praise
That matchless name of Jesus

CHORUS

When I call upon Your name
The very atmosphere will have to change
We'll be transformed
We'll never be the same
By the power of Your Holy name

CHORUS

Jesus
Something happens when we call your name
Jesus
Oh the power in your name

Jesus Jesus Jesus
Jesus Jesus Jesus
Something happens when I call You

Sharing My Heart To Share Him

A friend of mine recently told me that she appreciates how "real" I am.  This is not the first time she's told me this and I often laugh and say, "I'm probably a bit too real."  

Sometimes I find myself wondering why I share what I share with others.  I have never been one to air my dirty laundry in public, nor do I intend to do so.  Yet recently I've found myself compelled to share pieces of my life that I typically would not make public.  You know, like the time I dropped my baby, or that I've dealt with postpartum depression after that same miracle child, admitting that I still miss the sweet baby we never got to meet, and that I have been tired at times and willingly fed my children Lunchables for dinner.

Why do I do this?  Do I enjoy letting other people in just so they can see how crazy our lives are?  Do I like knowing that my mother-in-law has seen me openly admit that sometimes I don't readily show grace to her son?  Do I want my mom to know that the daughter she raised sometimes fusses at her grandchildren when I shouldn't? Do I really want people I barely know to read about my failures?

The short answer, no.

Do I know that I am opening myself up to people that may gossip about situations that they have no clue about? Do I know that some people may judge me and think that I am failing at life?  Do I worry sometimes after I hit "Publish" that maybe I shared too much?

Absolutely, yes.

So, why share?

Because of this:

You mend what once was shattered
And You turn my tears to laughter
Your forgiveness is my fortress
Oh Your mercy is relentless 
(See below for credits to this song)

You see, I am a work in progress. FOREVER.  I'm OK with that because although this life is messy, it is so beautiful.  God is constantly mending me.   Always comforting me.  Gently nudging me to be better.  Encouraging me to continue.  Turning ashes into beauty.  (Sidenote:  Read Isaiah 60 and 61...beautiful) Instilling confidence in me to let others know that it's OK to be real.  

This life is confusing for all of us at times.  We face trials that seem larger than life itself.  There are times we feel that everything is caving in around us.  We want to run and hide but we have no idea where to even run.  So we stuff our feelings inside.  We build barriers.  We post pictures on Facebook that have cropped out the mess in our living rooms.  We delete 25 pictures of our children grimacing and scowling at us and post the one of them smiling, while not mentioning that we had to bribe them with candy, ice cream and/or extra TV time just so that we can show the world our happy children. We go to church and stuff some more because who wants to reveal to anyone there that the joyful couple they see was arguing just 10 minutes before over something petty...because if there's going to be an argument it's going to be on a Sunday morning before church (Am I right?).

Can I be completely frank?

Why don't we just cut the crap?  (Sorry that was probably a bit too frank and I do know that I will probably later stress over the fact that I said "crap" on my blog).

Seriously, though, let's just stop.  Stop stuffing.  Stop pretending like everything is OK.  Stop acting like we have life by the tails and nothing ever gets us down.

I am not advocating walking around in a state of moping.  I'm not saying to post pictures of your piles of dirty laundry (literally and figuratively).  I'm not asking you to show the world your children throwing tantrums or to reveal to every person that comes your way that you just fought with your spouse.  But let's just be real.  Let's be truthful.  Let's tell people that it's OK that we fail and fail again.  Because in showing our failures and shortcomings, we can show Jesus.  

That right there is why I share.  It's Him...all Him.  

If I can share some of my experiences in this thing we call life and it draws someone to Jesus, then I will do it a million times over.  If a weary mommy can find rest in knowing that there are other moms out there who have/are struggling but are constantly pursuing Christ knowing it's only His grace that helps us on the tough days, then I will keep hitting "publish."  If someone is trying to figure out why they are having horrible sadness after just welcoming a beautiful baby into this world and can find an answer through something I write, then I will share my heart.  I could go on about my hopes for this blog, but I think you get the point by all the run-on sentences I've already wrote.  (Mr. Wonderful - I'm sorry if those sentences drive your journalistic mind crazy!) 

Right after we miscarried, an amazing godly couple - who wrapped their arms around us in our greatest moments of need - shared this verse with us:

“He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others.  When they are troubled, we will be able to give them the same comfort God has given us.” 2 Corinthians 1:4 NLT

Isn't that verse amazing?  Since the moment I read that verse, I knew that it was a life verse for me.  A verse to live my life by and a verse to give me life in my darkest moments.  I hope in your moments of need it gives you life too.  I pray in your moments of strength it is your driving force.

Let's share so we can share Him.  Let's love to show His love.  Let's explain to others that even though sometimes life is so hard, sometimes it is so good...not because of us but because He is so good.  Where  sin abounds, grace abounds more (Romans 5:20).  

Ignore the naysayers.  Don't worry about what others may think. If you let Him be the reason you share, you can have complete peace.

I think these song lyrics sums it all up much better than I can:  

Shoulders - For King and Country

When confusion's my companion
And despair holds me for ransom
I will feel no fear
I know that You are near
When I'm caught deep in the valley
With chaos for my company
I'll find my comfort here
‘Cause I know that You are near

CHORUS
My help comes from You
You're right here, pulling me through
You carry my weakness, my sickness, my brokenness all on Your shoulders 
Your shoulders
My help comes from You
You are my rest, my rescue
I don't have to see to believe that You're lifting me up on Your shoulders 
Your shoulders

You mend what once was shattered
And You turn my tears to laughter
Your forgiveness is my fortress
Oh Your mercy is relentless 

My help is from You
Don't have to see it to believe it
My help is from you
Don't have to see it, ‘cause I know, ‘cause I know it's true


Writer(s): Luke Smallbone / Joel Smallbone / Ben Glover / Tedd Tjornhom